My Favorite Coaching Phrase

In The Art of Coaching workshop, we talk about the five “Coaching Survival Phrases.” The last of those is one of my favorite questions to ask a client:  Is there a question that would be helpful for me to ask you right now?

This question invites a client to step into their own expertise. When you ask this question, your client will likely share both the question and their response to it, making your job even easier. It’s also a great question to ask when you feel like none of your coaching strategies are working, you’ve asked every question, you keep hitting a brick wall or your client pushes back on your questions.

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Here’s what this can sound like:

Teacher: I’ve tried everything with Tyrell! I’ve consulted with our special ed teachers, I’ve talked to his mother so many times, I’ve talked to his elementary school teachers also, and I’ve given him extra attention. I just don’t know what else to do. In my 18 years of teaching, I’ve never felt so challenged by a student. And he’s so far behind. I can’t imagine how he can catch up and be ready for 7^th grade math. I don’t know what to do!

Coach: I’m curious what you hear yourself saying.

Teacher: I guess I’m hearing that I’m really struggling. That I’m frustrated. That I’m surprised that I’m feeling challenged like this.

Coach: What else are you hearing?

Teacher: I’m hearing that I’m sad. To be honest, I’m hearing that I’m heartbroken. That I feel powerless. I love Tyrell. He’s funny and sharp and a brilliant artist. I don’t know what to do.

Coach: Is there a question that would be helpful for me to ask you right now?

Teacher: Maybe you could ask me what else I could do? No, that’s not right. I feel like I’ve tried everything so don’t ask me that. Maybe you could say, “can you accept that you’ve tried everything and this is really hard?” Maybe you could ask me if I could take a few deep breaths. And yes, it would probably help if I took some deep breaths. And if I accepted that I have really, really tried to help Tyrell. And if I accepted that yes, I’ve been teaching for a long time and I’m still going to be stumped at times by how to help students. I guess I thought I knew so much that I won’t have this kind of challenge again.

Coach: How does it feel to ask yourself those questions?

Teacher: It’s hard. And also a relief. I think I need to take a step back and look at this situation with a little perspective.

Coach: What else?

Teacher: I didn’t realize how angry I was feeling—with everything. And how that might be affecting how I work with Tyrell. I’m just so frustrated with things in our district, and in our country, and maybe I’m feeling a little burned out on all of it. I think I overreacted about his mother. I know I snapped at Tyrell on the field trip—or I guess I should admit, I yelled at him. I probably would have done the same if a teacher had screamed at my kid.

Coach: That’s a lot. What are you hearing in what you’re sharing?

Teacher: I’m hearing that I need to slow down. Maybe even take a day off and get my head back on straight. I feel like I’m getting lost. This isn’t who I want to be.

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In this dialogue, there are also a couple of my other favorite questions (“What do you hear yourself saying?”). And what you just read is an excerpt from my forthcoming book, available around August 1.